To be honest I have kind of been a bit depressed lately. I am trying so hard to back in the swing of my lifestyle here and get back to “normal”, but the problem is; my normal isn’t mine anymore…
When I left Kenya, I was forever changed. Part of me was by seeing poverty to an extreme, seeing starving children on the side of the road, seeing living conditions, and being around glue boys…. But I believe the majority of my changed life is because of the amount of work God is doing in that country.
The moment I got back, I was trying to find any way possible to get back, and I still am, but I had to stop and be still. I had to listen and stop talking. I emailed one of the missionaries in Kenya about getting back next summer…. And she told me to do a lot of praying and really listening to God. Then she told me that when she was still here in the states her mission field was right across the street. I have always known that, but my heart was so invested in getting back to Kenya, I didn’t listen to God about my mission field here in the states.
I’ve been back two weeks today, and my heart still longs for Kenya. I have yet to fully unpack, my chacos will never be washed because they still have Kenya’s red dirt on them as do my tennis shoes, I am always checking facebook for any Mattaw or Kenya updates, and I am always praying for God to equip me and guide me.
I really thought I’d graduate in May and head to Kenya for at least three months maybe more… I know that some of my family members aren’t all about that. I also realize I am going to have student loans and no way of paying those off if I move to Kenya after graduation…. I kept reliving all the possibilities… but then it hit me….. GOD is in control. If he wants me in Kenya, he will take care of everything in the states.
I’ve been to Peru twice and I thought I’d live there, but that was my desire… It always faded… I truly believe that my desire of Kenya was placed there by God himself. I am now not sure what the plan is… Do I move there after graduation? Do I wait a year? Do I wait till I find Mr. right? Do I take a mini trip this summer and take some of my family to see the country?
So many unknowns. My heart longs to be back in Kenya. Last night I had a dream and I was in Kenya. I saw the whole gang there… all the children, all my new friends, and boy oh boy was it fabulous! I smelt Kenya again, I heard Kenya again, I could feel the people and hear their voices. I felt the bumps on the road and the mud in my toes… It was beautiful. It was a dream L I know that in time, that won’t be a dream but a reality… In my dream, God showed me Mama Grace again, and she told me "Welcome Home". I can't remember much about the dream, but I did promise a little boy on the streets I'd be back tomorrow to play. I remember laughing, crying, and working.
Almost a year ago I had a dream that I believe was from the Lord. I was in a house with my husband (not sure who) and our house sat on a hill, looking over the village of children. I remember hearing screams and smelling smoke. I look outside to see war over the village and I remember grabbing as many babies as I could and running. I was in Kenya…
A day after I had this dream, a missionary friend in Kenya posted of tough times in her village, food was limited, babies were being left rapidly, and it was war (spiritually) as well as the high risk of terrorist attacks, I knew after that dream, God was telling me something. Then last night’s dream, there were some things that were just fun, but I feel again God was telling me I have a plan for you and Kenya to be reunited for the rest of your life.
I honestly don’t know what in the world my future holds, but I do know it has to do with Kenya in some way or form… As of now, I am thinking about taking a two week trip to Kenya with some family and close friends, to show them the awesomeness of God in that country.
I am filled with lots of spiritual turmoil, I know I have got to keep moving on in my life here in the states, and be a light for the Lord. I can’t keep wanting to go back in time to Kenya. I know Kenya is in my future and I will be back… it really is a tough concept to grasp. When God decides to break your heart and he does it in a big way, it’s so hard to see past that sometimes, but he is helping me and guiding me to see his glory and his use for me right here in the states. God has always used others to help me with discernment in life... but I really think with these two dreams on Kenya, he's speaking to me there also. Both dreams were so very similar and I woke up with a desperate need to help and get there.... The Lord is speaking, it just takes discernment and to silent my own life.
Please be in prayer with me about the future of my life, especially when it comes to Kenya. I’d really appreciate it! Love to all!