Monday, April 23, 2012

Broke Down on the Side of the Bed.

Hey guys! Long time no talk, sorry this semester has been crazy. Let me update you on a few things real quick so you know how life is going.

  •  I'm doing really well in classes this semester! 
  • Two weeks till i'm done! Pretty pumped. 
  • I got a little promotion at work and still love my job.
  •  I have found a group of girls, who have saved my life, so to speak.
  •  I turned 21 and had my very first alcoholic beverage.
  •  I am now in charge of Upward Cheerleading here in San Angelo!
  •  I move into my first apartment in two weeks!
  •  I leave for Kenya in just 3 months! WOOPIE 

 So there's a quick update on my life. Just some of the main points.... but here is why i am writing.... i'm going to be very honest here, so bare with me.

 Since I was a little girl I have had my whole life mapped out. I was to be engaged in college, find the love of my life, and shortly after graduation get married. I was going to wait exactly two years before I had my first child. I had so many details of my life planned out. It was my perfect life.......but read clearly it was MY perfect life. I have always prayed God would comply to my life and that my life would magically be just like i have planned, and I would say it's God's way, but in all reality that's just not the case.......

 So the week before my 21st birthday, it all came crashing down and I got the biggest reality check I've ever gotten. I was not going to get married by the time I graduated college, I don't even know who my husband will be. There is a possibility I will have to live alone the first year of my teaching career, there is a chance that I won't meet "the one" till i get to Arlington. So when I realized that, I shut down. Now I need you to pay attention the word shut, because that's exactly what I did... For almost a month now I've been shut down. Off mode. I have been extremely unhappy, on the verge of depressed. In all reality I was freaking pissed at God.(keep reading, i'm gonna jump around)

 The crazy thing is, I am also totally in love with Jesus at the same time. I can't tell you why or how I had both emotions but i did. God is sending me to Kenya in July, and the more i get to talk to people about it, or get trip info, I just find so much joy in God. I also have been blessed to lead an amazing bible study, where these girls and I really dive into the word and invest so much of ourselves in each other. I love seeing God work in them, and that makes me fall more in love with God, but while i'm so giddy with God I am also so livid with him.

 So why am I angry with God? plain and simple, my plan didn't work out, I am not a fan of San Angelo, I miss my church back home, the one church i loved in San Angelo was taken from me, i'm alone.... so I got angry.....

For almost a month now, I haven't opened my bible, except to lead bible study (hypocritical huh?) My prayers have been shallow. I pray for my family and girls but past that my prayers aren't really heartfelt. SO today at work I must have daydreamed and during that I had a panic attack, nothing major (I've had quite a few this semester) they usually make me sick but today i caught it early. So tonight I couldn't stop coughing. It was painful, i couldn't catch my breath. I was watching the Rangers game (no surprise there) and when it was finished. I grabbed my bible and opened it up for the first time in a long time........ I was called to read Zephaniah. Why? don't have a clue.....

 There's a verse in that book, that has been on my mind since my birthday. Zephaniah 3:17. I read it at bible study last week, but it wasn't till tonight I put meaning behind it.

 "For the LORD your God is living among you (Ashlee he is right beside you)

 He is a mighty savior. (Ashlee he can do anything!) 

He will take delight in you with gladness (Ashlee he things you are amazing, he made you and loves you) 

With his love, he will calm all your fears. (Ashlee don't fret, God is going to take those fears, let him have them)

 He will rejoice over you with joyful songs." (Ashlee he's with you always and is singing the song of your heart.) 

 So why do i write this long blog??? I feel like Christians make Christianity seem easy or they become holy rollers, and it causes a weird disbelief in Christianity. I feel like Christians aren't real anymore. We hide our sins, our failures, and we act like we have it together by posting crap on facebook or twitter that is only shallow bologna. I hate it! I want to be real with you!!!

 I haven't read my bible in a month!!! But you know what? God still delights in me. He knows I was angry, He knows I was frustrated, he knows I was confused, but he loved me regardless.

 THE CRAZY THING IS:::: he still used me.
 Don't you dare think that because you have messed up or haven't been the A+ Christian student that God is just going to let you wiggle around by yourself. HECK NO!! He uses you. He uses you through your inconsistencies, through your sin, and through you in general!

 So with all that said, I broke down tonight on the side of my bed. I admitted I was angry and I reached out and touched the cloak of Jesus. Sometimes you feel like you're too far gone, but let me assure you friend. God is never out of reach!!! So where ever you are, if you are like me and just plum frustrated with God (and yes that is okay to say) just break down. Sometimes that's the best thing to do. I am not going to lie and say I am H-A-PP-Y with God right now, but I'm done shutting him out and with HIS help I can overcome my feelings.

 Don't fake it till you feel it, be honest with yourself and God. Just cry out!! I love you all! :)

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